People Who Need to be Punched (PWNP) Entry #1

My new series is called People Who Need to be Punched and will be reoccuring as I discover new levels of individuals who require this readjustment based soley on my own judgment.  Yes, I realize that may seem egotistical, however, I believe that years of working for the government, pervasive interest in logic and, what I believe to be, an inordinate amount of common sense all combine to make me an expert.  If you disagree, you will probably end up on this list.

That being said, entry #1

The first group of people who are blessed to be added to this list are really special.  I will add that this group is not the first because their level of idiocy is necessarily greater than those that will appear in future posts, but rather because this group happened to cross my path today.

The first group of PWNP are those people who insist on trying the doorknob of the bathroom door before knocking.

What are they thinking?  What are they hoping to find?

This can only have three possible results. 

First, the door is locked and the poor sap inside nearly jumps out of their skin when they hear the sudden violent jerking and turning of the doorknob as if the FBI was on the other side determined to get in and discover some nefarious deed of the occupant.  This is such a horrible feeling that it can seriously alter the proceeds in the bathroom and continue on throughout the day.  They need to be punched.

Second, the bathroom is occupied and, for whatever reason, the door is left unlocked.  Perhaps the push button lock didn't catch.  Perhaps the sophisticated locking mechanism fails at the violent doorknob turning.  Perhaps the occupant, in a hurry due to a recent trip down Lebanese Food Row, fails to engage the lock.  The doorknob jerker now finds himself/herself face to face with another individual in what all humanity knows to be the most compromised position possible.  Here we are, sitting and totally unmasked of our cool veneer that we wear to work and in general society.  Hairy legs splayed out (unless your the afore mentioned "herself" in which case, let's go with no hair please), pants bunched around ankles and a look of tortured shock smeared across his/her face.  The trespasser suddenly becomes aware of their grave mistake.  They, too, turn multiple shades of red and back out apologizing rapidly and incoherently.  Worse yet is if they happen to work together and I don't mean work together in the close knit sense where you will laugh about it later, but in the sense that you work in the same space and now the occupant knows that this person has seen them in the worst possible human condition and they have to pretend it never happened.  Awkward to the max, dude.  The worst part about this scenario is what I like to call "Post Invasion Anger".  I am not referring to the righteous indignation of the occupant.  I am referring to the pointless and aberrant anger of the invader.  These schmucks will get angry and hold the occupant responsible for the collective embarrassment of the situation.  They sooth their idiocy by accusing the occupant of not ensuring they had securely locked the door.  They need to be punched.

Thirdly, the door is unlocked and the restroom is empty.  The moron then enters, locks the door and the cycle continues.  They should be punched.

Solution: Just knock on the freaking door, you jackwagon.  In the name of all that is holy, don't touch the bacteria ridden doorknob.  Just a little rappity tap tap is all it takes.  Sure, it's still awkward for the occupant to know what level of volume he/she needs to use to ensure that the doorknob is not engaged, but that's a whole lot better than options 1 and 2 above.