PWNP Entry #3

Webster's defines Evolution as the process of continuous change from a lower, simpler, or worse state to a higher, more complex, or better state.  This is a lovely notion and in hopefulness we all cling to the beneficial changes being wrought in mankind over billions and billions and billions of years.  Unless, of course, we are speaking of either X-Men or Heroes, in which case, the evolution speeds up greatly and makes for superb entertainment.

Yet, there are other, clear, indications that Evolution is failing us miserably.  In today's episode of People Who Need to be Punched we will look at another tribe of stupid that really ought to get a good punch to the midsection followed by an uppercut to the jaw.

Sadly, we must again visit the bathroom.  In PWNP #1 we looked at the degenerate who fails to politely knock on the door before trying the door handle.  Today we will look at a travesty that occurs within the privacy of the bathroom.

Disclaimer: I can't speak for women's restrooms in this post as I am unfamiliar with the usual standards of cleanliness and consideration that women hold to within the sphere of powder rooms.  My few occasions of being forced to use a woman's restroom were the result of such gastrointestinal crisis and horror that my memory fails in remembering whether the facility was clean or not.

Moving on....

I work in what is considered a white collar corporate setting.  People are required to wear clothing appropriate to influence and impress customers and vendors.  The level of education required for my working environment is generally bachelors or higher.  Usually higher.  I say all that to make it clear that I am not working amongst groups of savages who blow their noses in their hands or display large amounts of butt cleavage while working.  These aren't people who would forget to shave for multiple days or fail to remember to clean their teeth.  I supposedly work with cultured, civilized people.

Then why... Oh why... DO THEY PISS ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT?!?!?!?

It is disgusting!  To enter the private place only to find the floor and toilet seat covered liberally with urine makes me lose all hope in humanity.  Considering the educated community I work with, this seems like a major paradox.  What happens to these polite, well dressed individuals once the door is closed behind them?  Do they suddenly laugh maliciously, yank out their junk and just start swing spraying all over?  Is it some sort of psychological toddler regression like the adult freaks who eat their boogers when they don't think anyone is looking?

Well, I don't know why they do it, but it is nasty. 

There are two horrendous aspects of this putrid behavior that rankle me to no end.  First, if I need to sit on the toilet, now I am required to clean up some strangers urine like an aid in an Alzheimer's ward.  Second, even if I don't need to sit down but am planning to stand and deliver, I still need to clean up the septic ruin.  If I don't and just leave it for the poor housekeeping staff, I could be slandered.  What if I am walking out of the toxic depot and a coworker enters right after me?  Who are they going to think is the jackwagon who decorated the toilet like some dog claiming territory?  Me, of course.  Thus, I clean up the toilet.  Nasty.

Here is what I would like to do.  I would like to set up an ambush station.  I would set up some sort of blind outside the bathroom like a deer hunter.  Maybe I could get one of those pop up numbers that are so popular around hunting season.  Odds are that any spermatic waste who would desecrate a bathroom like those who are the subject of this rant would be unlikely to notice an odd camouflaged tent outside the bathroom anyway.

I would first go into the bathroom and ensure that it is clean.  Next, I would grab a bag of Funyuns, a five gallon bucket for a seat, a good book and enter my hideaway to begin my skulking activity.  Each time a dude went in and exited, I would bolt from my hidden location and scope out the damage.

When I finally found one of the Morlocks who can't seem to aim their business, I would sneak up behind them tap them on the shoulder and when they turned to see me, I would punch them in the throat.  As they gasped and gaged, I would drag them back to the restroom, point to the mess and maybe rub their face in it like a bad puppy.  Then, I would secure their wallet, find the phone number of his parents.  Using the imbeciles phone (I'm not wasting my minutes) I would call his parents and when they answered I would calmly and clearly ask them the following: "Why... Why oh why... did you let him live through childhood?" 

And then I would hang up.

Then I would look down at the pool of human waste at my feet and tell him to be sure to let all his urinally disabled friends know that their days of fun are over.  This would work because idiots like this have got to travel in herds.